Cynicism
by halcyon-sunnydays
Summary: Maybe if she stayed out long enough, the world would forget about her and her it. Maybe,then, she would be able to remember what his voice sounded like, what he looked like when he smiled and how when he laughed his eyes would twinkle with mirth.


Hinata walked through the rows and rows of the cemetery, letting her hand trail against the cool marble of the headstones. She began to wonder about the lives that lay beneath the ground, that told stories that no one else could share. If they could speak she pondered, just what would they say?

It was funny that she felt so comfortable in a place this desolate.

The harsh wind picked up, blowing her long hair around her face and she fought through the tangled mess to see. It had been a while since she had visited, but there wasn't one day in which she didn't think about him. She continued down the road, knowing the place like the back of her hand. She found the headstone.

On the end , first row in.

It was not decorated in a specific way, and in no way intricate. It was just like all the other graves, grass slightly trampled and the headstone wearing away. The only way to differentiate was the slight curve of the stone, the slight chips in the grey marble. She had been there enough to memorize the number of steps to reach his headstone. She kneeled down beside his grave.

Never on top.

For some reason she found it disrespectful, the fact that she could step on him. The fact that he lay six feet under, and she was allowed to roam freely.

No.

She never kneeled on top of his grave.

"Good-morning Neji-niisan. You must be enjoying the solitude. I know you always appreciated your alone time" She whispered, as if saying it any louder could disrupt his silent existence. She laughed quietly to herself and a tear slipped down her face as she continued to make light of what was so very dark.

She paused, and started to methodically clean his resting ground. Neji had always cared about being tidy and neat, so each time she visited she would clear his grave until it was immaculate. It had become a ritual, in part showing her respect, but it also bothered her to see his grave unkempt. Because he deserved so much more.

"You know, Hanabi is doing a wonderful job as Clan Head." She started , picking up the conversation where it stopped. She reached down to pick up a leaf, and delicately turned it over in her hand, as if it could break at the slightest touch.

"Father is very proud, and I'm sure you are as well. She's pushing for an eradication of the curse seal, Neji-nissan. I-It's still very controversial and the clan elders are no doubt against it, but…"

She let herself smile a little bit as she stared up at the clear sky, her eyes slightly crinkling at the sides.

"I believe she can do it" and she said it with the most conviction that no one could doubt her.

She lowered her view to meet the top of grave stone and her smile slowly withered away into nothing. She clenched her hand, and she blinked, surprised to find the forgotten leaf crumpled in her palm.

She let go of a breath she didn't remember holding, and sighed. Why was it always like this? She was always fighting off the feelings of guilt and sorrow and she wondered if neji saving her life had all been for nothing. Here she was disgracing his sacrifice by never quite living; she had only ever been existing since he passed. She was a fool for ever thinking life could go on after death.

She never knew what that saying meant exactly until Neji died, and then she began to resent every time she had ever uttered it. It doesn't get better, she decided. His absence was like a gaping hole in her heart, she could feel an ebb of pain every time her heart beat, every time she breathed.

Hinata wondered if she could just lie here and forget the world. Remember happier times when Neji was alive and everything wasn't so god damned messed up. Yes, maybe it was better to live in a world where this harsh reality didn't exist.

"Neji-nissan, I don't think you know how much I miss you" Hinata breathed, trying in vain to prevent the tears threatening to spill over. She felt like that was all she was doing now, crying. She cried until her head pounded and her eyes had become swollen and red.

She stayed until long after the sun set, long after she knew she was to be home. She had done this enough times that they knew where she was. She unwrapped her arms from around her legs and laid back with a dull thud against the damp ground.

She wanted to scream out loud, to sob, to cry how unfair everything was, but she stayed silent. No amount of complaining was going to change a thing. He was dead, and she was afraid.

Maybe if she stayed out long enough, the world would forget about her and her it. Maybe,then, she would be able to remember what his voice sounded like, what he looked like when he smiled and how when he laughed his eyes would twinkle with mirth. When the sun began to rise and she saw the red bleed into orange then pink, she realized life did continue after death.

Even when she didn't want it to.

* * *

**AN: **I'm still so sad, whyyy kishimoto?! I had this on my computer for awhile, but never got around to finishing it. Gah, writers block kill me now. The last bit came a lot easier!I don't know why, the first part felt a little forced, you know? I'm still quite shocked, he was a wonderful character and he was the first to die out of the whole generation. Maybe that's why I'm so sad? Anyway, hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think.


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